I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
