im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize