Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
