New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
