Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
