Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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