I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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