My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
