Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
