The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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