he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you traded sex for a burrito?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
