After last night, I could never be a politician.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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