How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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