Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
