Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
