All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
