He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
