Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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