I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
