community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize