omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize