I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
