So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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