Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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