Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
