Got a toothbrush?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize