She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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