i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
