The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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