well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
