Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
