Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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