no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
