My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
