his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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