I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
