You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
