My sheets look like a crime scene.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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