When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
