she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
