Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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