the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
