The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
