is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize