I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
