what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize