apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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