Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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