Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize