this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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