If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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