thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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