kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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