tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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