Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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