he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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