Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
