I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
