He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
