Apparently you make a good broom.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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