My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
